Alright. So basically, this is a story that involves certain characters behaving in ways that are often exaggerated for the purpose of humor. Many are hideously out-of-character.

If anyone wants to read this, please bear in mind that this story does not reflect my opinion of these characters for real. xD Sorry Luigi. It's fanfiction, after all.

It will be updated when I finish another chapter.

Anyways, I hope you like it!! :D Reviews (Good or Bad) are appreciated too.

Chapters up so far:
Chapter One: Toad's Great Loss
Chapter Two: The Grand Scheme of Incompetence
Chapter Three: Toad’s Moment in the Dark
Chapter Four: Cereal Musings

The Great and Epic Tale of Skewed Objectives and Contingency

Chapter One: Toad’s Great Loss

It was none other than a bright and sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom. In general, things tended to stay this way, as to give off a cheery impression. There was never rain, nor ever a single cloud in the sky. Terrible for the farmers, as this was consequently the worst drought they’d ever seen. But for all the ignorant fools who daren’t question their dwindling economy, today was bliss.

Toad sauntered up to his bedroom chambers. It was time to feed his little pet cheep-cheep, Flame-sabre.

“Flame-sabre… oh Flame-sabre, it’s dinny time!” he announced in a disturbingly high-pitch.

He grabbed the food dispenser and began showering the tank with fish food. However, Toad noticed something was a little off today. Flame-sabre didn’t seem to be all that interested in food. In fact, sleeping upside down at the tank’s surface was not something Flame-sabre did on a regular basis.

“Heyy! Wake up cheep-cheep! Eat your food!”

Puzzled, Toad pinched the sides of Flame-sabre’s mouth and force-fed the fish, with little success. After a few minutes of that, he placed the fish back in the tank and tapped on the glass. Noting the lack of response he was getting, he brought a hand to his chin and furrowed his brow intensely.

“Toad!” the princess hollered from the staircase. “I have a favour to ask of you!!” she climbed her way up the staircase and opened his door intrusively. “Did you hear me?”

“Not so loud, Princess! Can’t you see Flame-sabre is sleeping!?”

The princess looked over at the listless cheep-cheep floating in the tank beside him. “Toad…I think Flame-sabre is dead.”

Toad’s eyes glazed over. His mind spiralled into hysteria. He broke down to his knees and assumed the fatal position while babbling incoherent slurs of jumbled sentences, and foaming at the mouth.

Peach grimaced. Messy emotional situations made her uneasy. She figured an act of humility- a hug, would have to be in order, but touching him would be icky. So she decided against it. “Now Toad, death is a natural part of life! Flame-sabre is in a far better place now. Speaking of which, didn’t you ever clean his tank?”

Toad wept uncontrollably. His best friend; his only friend was now dead. He saw no point in living now. Oh the moments they used to share! How they laughed, how they sang… Why, it seemed like only yesterday he’d won the little cheep-cheep at the monthly carnival. But the bond they shared was like no other… and now, it was all over.

“W-We did everything together!” he stammered between sobs “I can’t live without him!”

Peach crossed her arms, not knowing what else to do. She stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, and then gave him a little nudge with her foot.

“There there, champ” she said in a patronizing tone. “I know what will cheer you up!”

“*sniff* I’ll never cheer up” he pouted, wiping the dripping snot from his nose.

“Sure you will! We’ll just get you a new fish and-

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Toad wailed, “I’ll NEVER be able to replace flame-sabre! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME? He was my LIFE, and then he was j-just TAKEN AWAY! Down to the GRAVEYARD!!”

A deluded gleam twinkled in his eyes as Toad itched with paranoia. Peach backed away slightly.

“I know! I’ll bury myself with Flame-sabre! We’ll share a coffin!!” he giggled. He rapidly tore Kleenex out of a box one by one. Once finished, he held up the box. “This will be our new coffin! Oh it’ll be just like old times!!”

“Toad, this is madness! We both know you can’t afford to be buried in a cemetery. And honestly, you’ve only had this fish for three days! Get over it!”

But Toad was in another place now. Not physically, but mentally. He envisioned himself buried deep within the earth alongside his best friend. They would stay up all night playing truth or dare, followed by exchanging secret crushes, giggling like little school-girls. It wouldn’t matter that they were closed off from the rest of the world… Toad was certain. They only needed each other.

Suddenly, Toad was awakened by the pleasant smack of a frying pan.

“Now Toad, as your oppressor and your friend, I am deeply concerned for you! This behaviour isn’t normal. Death isn’t something to get worked up about!” said the princess.

“I-It isn’t?”

“No!!” she chuckled, “Lots of people die everyday! Why, just look outside!”

Peach motioned towards a conveniently placed window, which presented a scene of koopas walking off a cliff in an orderly fashion. Screams could be heard as they tumbled and fell all over the jagged pointy rocks which lined the bottom of the cliff. Upon closer inspection, one would be able to see all the bloody corpses impaled on the rocks.

“See? Death is a normal, natural part of life. I guess you could say, ‘everybody’s doin’ it’!” she smiled.

Toad began drying his tears. “So…so it’s like… if I wanted to be like, popular or something, all I would have to do is die?”

“Well,” Peach thought for a moment. “…It wouldn’t be like that.”

“It wouldn’t?”

“No Toad, that is sick. You’re in no position to die, what with your outstanding loans and mortgage payments. You have no money or life insurance! Plus, you’ve got friends who truly care about you.”

“Gee Princess, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me!” he whimpered. “But Flame-sabre was my best friend! What am I going to do now that he’s gone??”

“I ‘unno.” she shrugged, and walked away.

Toad immediately locked himself in the cellar, where he could be free to behave in a deranged, ill-conceived psychotic manner, without being prosecuted for disturbing the peace of the kingdom.

“THERE THERE FLAMY-SABRE! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. A-HAHA…HAHAHAHA…”

His shrill voice echoed throughout the chamber.

Unfortunately, people above ground could hear all of this, thanks to the latest in pipe-technology. It wasn’t long before the townsfolk had all gathered around the pipes to listen in amusement at Toad’s mental convulsions.

“What’s he doin’ down there?” asked one bystander.

“Is he alright?” asked another.

Suddenly, the Mario Brothers stepped up to see what all the commotion was about.

“Hey… everybody stand back! We’re here to investigate!” Luigi announced to the crowd, who merely ignored him. In an attempt to shove his way through, a 5 year-old girl took his arm and flung him through the air, landing him in a snake pit nearby. “OW OW OW!!” he screamed. Mario laughed at his brother’s misfortune.

Peach approached Mario anxiously. Something needed to be done about the ruckus Toad was creating, as rumours were beginning to formulate about the kingdom’s disciplinary tactics. Something like this just might be enough to stain her reputation forever!

“Oh Mario, you’ve come just in time! Toad’s locked himself in the cellar and won’t quit screaming! I’ve tried everything- pitty, violence, scolding, shunning- but nothing gets through to him!!” she said helplessly.

Mario gasped at this news. “Don’t worry princess! We’ll deal with him!”

Luigi weakly clambered his way up from the pit; clearly he had succumb to a many serious injuries.

“Uhh… you guys, I think I need a doctor or something… I might die soon if you just keep standing there ignoring my fatal wounds…”

The princess shot him a glare. “You will do no such thing while there’s a job to be done!! Now off with you! My reputation is at stake here, I cannot let anything sabotage my chances for the upcoming elections!!”

“But you’re not even… there ARE no elections, this is a monarchy.” Luigi stated.

“Quiet peasant, your opinions mean nothing!”

Mario opened his new black leather briefcase and revealed a bob-omb, which quickly grabbed the attention of everyone nearby.

“Mario, wait!!” Peach hollered among the assortment of gasps in the audience, “Are you using that thing to blast my friend!?”

Mario had an air of determination surrounding him. He looked at the struggling bob-omb in his hand, and then at the pipe. “It’s… THE ONLY WAY!!”

Luigi picked himself up and made an effort to intervene. “NO MARIO, WAIT!”

But the deed had already been done. Mario had thrown the bob-omb. Everyone stared in awe, as it soared dangerously above their heads…complete silence. Time slowed to a near halt, as it inevitably took its course and descended through the pipe.

To be Continued…

-_- You just had to choose Toad to be the one that gets blown by a bomb.

..Yup!

Poor Toad.

...Well I guess I should see the next chapter before I accuse you of being a jerk :D

That would probably be a good idea. XD Very appreciated.

Hmm, well it would be very unfortunate if something bad were to happen to Kamek... xD

lol, I edited that. Nothing bad happened to Kamek in the first chapter, but you can tell something bad happened to someone by the title....

Lol, great work. I like the exaggerated personalities, it really makes the fic more unique and very enjoyable.

lol thanks! xD Glad you liked it! I just finished the second chapter. Time to post it!